Amanda Palmer released a special song yesterday. She is in labor now or soon to be, and the song (a cover of a song by Kimya Dawson) is about the fear of how becoming a parent presents life changes. The lyrics reflect the fears she has about the baby's needs overtaking her own creative work, "interfering" with her artistic goals. She reflects on all the challenges life handed her prior to the pregnancy and that she handled them and did change as a result, for the better in most cases. The final verse is one of acceptance that she has changed so many times throughout her life that she acknowledges that she will change again when the child arrives, and that is okay. It is a beautiful song and very moving. I remember Amanda playing this on stage in Providence in a gold full length slip with her pregnant belly and red ukelele last July. Very powerful.
I certainly am not in the "change through pregnancy" camp, but the song is helpful nonetheless. We all change over the course of our lives. The only constant IS change. Some reasons for change we can control, others we can not. For me, the RA forces change. I live with the fear of never having enough time to do all the creative things I want to do, as well as take care of life's essentials. When I am feeling well, which thankfully has been most of the time lately, I can balance activities better than when I am not. When I am literally forced off my feet, as that is the only thing that calms down a foot flare, I have forced time to be still and reflective. My identity as a person and artist has changed as a direct result of not doing what my creative brain expects of me. We develop mental images of who we are that are fixed based on what we hope to be true, only to look back and sometimes say "What was I thinking?" It is easy to take change as a negative as it happens, when in actuality it could be very positive. Only time tells.
My friend posted a good article today entitled "8 Ways Women Can Create Space for Creativity." It lists the priorities that could be in place to better facilitate artistic production and development. Women tend to be caretakers -- of children, spouses, friends, and even pets -- often at their own expense. I know I am guilty of this (thank you, Toby, my lovable life challenge.) Art gets put on the back burner in favor of all the 'shoulds' and needs. But art has its own 'shoulds' and needs, and ignoring them for too long is not good, either. I need to make things. It makes me happy. When I complete artwork, I feel a sense of satisfaction unlike anything else. I also need to clean bird cages, do laundry, cook, and clean floors. It is much easier to ignore the need to make things as the results are not as clearly apparent in my life -- but over time, internally, they are. I feel frustrated, as do many artists, both men and women. "How can I say I am an artist if I am not finding enough time to create?" is the refrain. I say it, my artistic friends say it. If I do indulge in creative activity with the time that I am feeling well, the question becomes "How can I live in such a mess?" Again, thank you Toby!
As always the answer is often somewhere in the middle and involves acceptance of how life changes who we are, and who we think we are, over time. Have to roll with the punches and fight the good fight, keeping activity aligned with values and doing the best we can. Today, The Foot is better, and while I hope it stays this way, there are no guarantees. Here's to hoping, and having the grace to accept what ever changes happen as positive events instead of losses. Cheers!
What will you make today?