I have to face it that he LOVES to be outside, and maybe he NEEDS to be outside. The thought makes me sick. This morning he had breakfast and then sat patiently by the door to go out. I said "No way!" and he looked hurt, and left the room, only to return several times to try again. Those pleading eyes are so hard to ignore. But then I think about the vet bills, the risk of injury and death, the horrible, painful feeling of having him not come home. Am I sacrificing the quality of his life to make mine less painful and difficult? He isn't getting what he needs from living indoors with me. I don't know what to do with him.
Life is kind of like that. Full of compromises. Having and not having, trusting and not trusting, avoiding painful outcomes. As we all navigate this thing called life, making decisions that are not 100% beneficial for either party, no matter how unpleasant they are, sometimes has to happen for stability's sake. It just isn't easy or possible to make everyone happy all the time. Avoiding conflict often causes more pain to the people involved, which destroys the positive aspects of any situation. I try to let go, then realize the pain of doing so is too much. I question my expectations daily, if not hourly, to make sure I am not asking for the unreasonable. I try to apply logic, knowing that logic says I should walk away from any situation that is causing me emotional strain or confusion. In the end there is still this gnawing thing called love that overrules all. a kind of "knowing voice" that underlies it all. Maybe,though,like with Theo's quandary, it is time to stop listening and worrying and considering, and just let nature take its course. If Theo chooses to go out and become coyote bait, it is his will. if a friend I know decides that our friendship doesn't have the value that I feel it has, so be it. Heartbreaking, both. But,I have to admit, part of life.
Three days of cleaning and art ahead, and I am happy. Well, as happy as I can be. I need art time baaaaad! Cheers to a three day weekend.