It feels impossible for me to completely eradicate the problem of "negative" moods, though, and when they arrive I feel frustrated as I know I "should" be forcing a better outlook on brain. After all, all feelings are just that -- good or bad, they are transient states of being that change. I know it is within reach to shift the mood myself and work around it. It is part of life. Studies have shown now that the systemic inflammation of RA contributes to to depression -- in a physical way -- in addition to the depression associated with continual illness and functional loss. Being "sick and tired" all the time is an isolating experience that requires a lot of resiliency to combat. Prednisone also effects the brain and can cause mood swings, anxiety, and depression. Thankfully I don't often experience these side effects from this drug, but I do get thrown off a bit when I receive exceptionally high doses (such as the premedication for the infused RA medication.) Sometimes it feels like a constant battle to reach a decent baseline level of "feeling ok" every day. It certainly is exhausting. When a low mood starts to arrive it is like a the tide coming in, and I never know if it will be accompanied with a severe physical RA flare that will leave me in a more damaged physical state. Yuck.
Art helps me find value in my own existence when the rest feels pretty bleak. Parrots, dogs, cats, and entertaining and engaging students keep me laughing, moving, thinking and loving, and family and friends keep me connected to a reality greater than my own limited, internal mental place. Sometimes, though, I wish I could have a brain that has no awareness or understanding of all this depressive stuff. How freeing it must be to live without these mental weights! All that energy that is devoted to staying emotionally positive and afloat...I can only imagine what life would be like if it could be channeled into other places. That is the most frustrating part. In my next life I want to be a bubble-minded silly girl who has no worries and floats through life joyfully with reckless emotional abandon. Until then, though, I am stuck here and better get my housework done so I can get to work on my current art project. Cheers!
What will you make today?