As I casually took the three steps leading into my back door, my leg thought otherwise. After putting my weight on my right leg and taking the step, it buckled. I was down. Face plant on the stairs (no facial bruise, thankfully.) Happened so fast. "Weird," I thought. "I'll just get up and try again..." but the leg wanted nothing to do with it. I sat pretzel like in a lovely operatic pose on my back stairs waiting for my leg to say "ok, go." It took a couple minutes. Do you know how hard it is to hoist a big body like mine up with one leg? Oi. Moving on, I used my left leg first on the next two stairs and wrote this off as a weird body thing. I put my things down, flexed my screaming, loose leg a bit, and continued. Two little steps up were next. You guessed it. Already my brain forgot about what had happened and WHAM down I went again. Apparently The Leg was holding a duel that I was not aware of. This time I landed with my back against the door frame and my left leg on the floor, so hauling back up to a vertical stance was not as challenging. Weird again, but now I was worried. Every time I lifted my leg I lost all muscle strength. Kaput, Not to mention a jolt of pain higher than tolerable limits. This got my attention.
I proceeded to feed and water the farm, slowly and carefully, step by thoughtful step. Dogs out, cats fed, birdie dinner cooked, parrot dinner cooked. Delivering the last bowl of parrot veggies, on a flat surface, the leg gave up again. BAM down on the tailbone. I gave up and called the spine center at Lahey again, who made an appointment for Friday. Instructions said to go to the ER if I fell again. Friday feels years away when one has a leg that has a mind of its own.
I called my PC doc to confirm this is the best option, and she told me to go to Lahey. Now. Three falls were enough. She too was concerned over a disk issue, and said a broken hip would be worse than going to the er and being ok. I protested, she yelled at me in the way she knows how to do it to get me to take care of myself when I won't. I drove over myself, holding my right leg a certain way every time I had to change from the gas to the brake, just in case. Not fun but do-able.
So began a fifteen hour marathon of waiting and suffering without pain management and with conditions that made the pain worse. It isn't Lahey's fault -- they are an excellent hospital and I have yet to meet an unpleasant employee. It is the fault of The System. Because I drove myself, getting effective pain meds to get a brief respite from whatever was causing this unrelenting pain was out of the question. I took a small dose of morphine, which didn't touch it. Waited in the ER until I could get an MRI. This happened at 2:30 am. By then, the hard gurney was making the pain worse. I alternated walking, lying down, standing (with my cane) and sitting. Very little sleep. Night four. Finally at 5am I asked for my usual pain med and got it. A little relief.
Six hours later I was told I couldn't have the next dose because I was driving. What? I've been on it for ten years. State law. What? I was in agony at this point. Once pain is on the rampage, it is hard to "catch up" to fourteen hours, but the pain was excruciating. I was tired, painful, scared. I just wanted to go home. Why can't someone document the fact that people who (unfortunately) have to take this stuff do not get high from it once their bodies are used to it? I am a much worse driver when I am in pain and can't move my legs. Just saying.
I'd been told by the Neurosurgery team that there was no disk involvement this time and was relieved. I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball until whatever this was passed. I was told that the surgeon was coming down for a quick check before I could be discharged. I waited another 90 minutes, then This is when I lost it. I started crying. I couldn't stop. I felt that I looked like a loon or some crazed patient. I felt a sense of hopelessness and pain that I just couldn't contain anymore. Is this what life comes down to? Going to a hospital for help and feeling lost in the system? I deal with pain every day, as I write here, every day. 24/7. No breaks. Always "managing." Never putting the weight of it down, always worrying that the next Big Problem is around the corner. Still trying to "live" without freaking out or giving up. Every Day. The ER doc arranged my release papers with a script of valium to take when I could to reduce muscle spasms and a script for Naprosyn. Yup, Aleve. For someone on pain meds already, having started out my arthritis journey with naprosyn 14 years ago, it was like..."Really?"
So, just as the tears started flowing, in bounces the surgeon who looked really pissed that I was upset. He went over to the MRI and said "Don't you want to see the results?" I just said "NO. I just want to go home. I have too much pain to deal with this." He didn't seem to get it, and looked offended. I felt bad as it was really nice of him to come all the way down to check in, but I'd passed the point of being able to deal with it. Nothing broken? Good. Send me home to lick my wounds and get on with things. He quickly summarized what he saw on the MRI and said we'd talk further on the 20th. The disks look good, no reinjury. There is serious stenosis on the left, and the right side pain and weakness is from a "nerve root issue," that comes from a too-narrow hole through which the nerve bundle passes. I asked what could be done about that, and he said "well, it involves screws and rods, and I don't think we want to go there at this point." I asked for a pain med stronger than Naprosyn for sleep and he quickly agreed it was a good idea. Bless you, doc. No sleep = worse pain and I was on a stretch of not sleeping more than an hour or so at a time for days. I went home, took my meds, and slept. Real sleep. For several hours at a stretch.
I apologized for being emotional and tried to explain that I"d just hit my wall, but felt like no one really understood. If I didn't feel this way all the time, I am not sure I could understand, either. One kind nurse came over and said she had the same problem with The System when she had a similar back issue, and she is a nurse. I could tell that she understood, and it was helpful. A little understanding goes a long way.
So, onward to gimping with a cane and muscle spasms and weakness in my right leg at least for now, until the nerves calm down and go back to fitting through the small hole in my pelvis like they should. A new game, this one not as "easy" to control or treat. Or manage. At least I am back in emotional control now, and hope to remain that way. Hope is all I can say, as I never thought I'd lose it and cry like a baby in a public place like I did yesterday. Man, the body trap is not fun. No art link today, just ranting. Ick.