Instinctively I cupped him in my hand, with his entire little body fitting perfectly on one palm. His little nose and mouth, as big as a pinky fingernail, opened and closed in slow repetition. I sat on my back stairs and just held him gently, softly stroking his ears and back. He felt soft, incredibly soft, and felt clean despite being a wild animal. His little eyes looked blank and I hoped he could at least feel some comfort being warmer and contained rather than on cold, damp pavement, alone. Do bunnies want to die alone? Should I have just left him there as he died? Did it matter? Within a minute or two he was gone. Within a minute, I found myself crying at this poor little beauty's fate.
Not sure what to do next and having nowhere to put him, I picked some giant leaves from an annoyingly stubborn weed in my yard and wrapped him up in them. I will bury him in the yard somewhere, as I can't bear to just "dispose" of any little creature that has touched my heart, be it mouse or rabbit. He is outside in a shady spot waiting.
My neighbors and I have been noticing the numerous wild rabbits in our yards lately and enjoy seeing them sprint all over the grass, endlessly nibbling at the clover. They have become so complacent with our normal human activity that they don't even move when I pull in the driveway or let the dogs out into the yard. We see tiny bunnies zig zagging through yards and it is nothing short of joyful. What a blessing to live with these wild "pets" -- to get to enjoy their company as they live independent, natural lives.
Cognitively I know this poor little bunny is a casualty of the natural process. There could be ten more just like him out in the wetlands behind my house, dying unseen. It is nature. But it is so, so sad. Sitting in the silent cool morning at sunrise holding a dying baby bunny is an auspicious start to any day. Why couldn't I have woken up three minutes later, thereby missing the entire death? Why did the timing happen so that I was there to be a witness to this event? Maybe there is no reason, maybe there is. It felt like a profound moment when the little guy took his last breath and became still in my hand.
We take everything in life so seriously every day, with the expectation that it, and our problems, successes, challenges, hopes, and knowledge will go on forever. Change happens in our lives, but we are the constant amidst that change. Even as we hold steadfast to our sense of "I" and who we are in this world, we are only temporary and part of nature, and like this little bunny, may suddenly not be here one day. Poof. Done. Game over. When that happens, do any of the thoughts and struggles of this life even matter? I'd like to think they do, as energy never disappears, it just transforms, but truly no one can ever know. Where did this poor little rabbit go? Anytime there is death, there is that question. I hope this little guy gets another try and doing this bunny rabbit thing, and this was just a false start. I also hope that at the end of the day, I find out why things like this have to happen.
What will you make today?