I'm ready to try something new -- but I am realizing it is very personal work and deals with some issues I didn't think I'd ever bring to my art. I was taking pictures of my students the other day for a special display I am putting together that showcases 8th graders' artwork. Several of them hid from the camera and had the same phobic reactions that I have to having their pictures taken. So sad! They are young and beautiful people with literally nothing to hide from the camera. As an adult who is never happy with photos of myself, ever, though, I can certainly relate. I have friends that are the same. So what has possessed me to want to print a larger than life image of myself to use in a work of art? Shocking!
Photos of me throughout my life are few and far between because of the discomfort I feel when seeing my own image. I've come across a few mandatory photos from school from my Very Thin Period which aren't so bad, but generally I feel shame about my appearance. Like I could look better if only I did x,y, or z. Maybe I should wear more makeup. Lose weight (if that is even possible at this point with the darn meds!) Color my hair. Cut my hair (oh hell, even wash my hair - kidding!) Dress better. Not make "that face." Then there is the genetic piece. The nose keeps looking bigger, the eyes are being consumed by moonface cheeks, and the lump on my upper lip that formed after my jaw breaking fall still bugs me. Let's not even talk about the wrinkles. Can't do much about those things, so hiding has been the best option. I asked an acquaintance about how she deals with seeing her external image as it gets older and, well, worse, and she said she no longer looks in the mirror. I can't avoid the mirror completely, but have gotten to the point where I avoid photos. This is behaving like my 8th grade students.
So again I ask myself, why on earth am I going to start using photos of myself in my art? I really don't know yet. Maybe this is a false avenue to explore and won't lead me anywhere valuable. I feel compelled to try the ideas I have in my head, though, even if they are never shown to anyone. Isn't this the true stuff of art? That compulsion to explore imagery to express something that has previously been unclear or dormant? To plumb the depths and discover? Every piece I've made that I value has had an element of discovery in it. That is what keeps me interested and motivated to create. How personal is too personal for a work of art? Is exploring personal thoughts and issues too self-indulgent? Is there such a thing as too personal a subject, or is that what it is all about? More to come on this as a jump into the deep end of the pool.
What will you make today?