So why don’t I sound like one of the Happy People with Chronic Illness that I often read about? Why can’t I be grateful for the disease, or at least what it hasn’t taken away from me yet? Actually I am both grateful in some ways and appreciative that more problems haven’t yet occurred. I wish I could roll with it better and have it make less of an impact on my daily life -- I have things to do! Lots of them! It is hard to drag yourself around in a painful body hour after hour, day after day, week after week, year after year with little or no breaks. I wish I could compartmentalize this constant condition and make it subservient to the goal at hand. I do try, but when it is impossible, it makes me depressed and it feels futile to try to do anything,
I think of Amanda Palmer’s song “Good Day:” “God it’s been a lovely day! Everything’s been going my way. I took out the trash today and I’m on fire!”
Some days it is possible to think that way, Other days, when it is hard to just walk upstairs,let alone carry laundry around, it isn’t. So what is there to do?
The book I am listening to now is really interesting. The Mind and the Brain is a very scientific book that outlines research into neuroplasiticity and shares concrete studies in which the human brain is capable of being rewired to compensate for injury or deficits. So far I’ve learned about neuroplastic benefits for OCD, dyslexia, and stroke victims (that chapter was horrid with descriptions of monkey research. I shudder.) There has to be a way to compensate for constant pain. I like the Buddhist saying “Pain is not optional, but suffering is optional.” but have no idea how to get there. The past few weeks I’ve been reading about mindfulness and meditation but really can’t meditate with a completely open mind, Maybe there will be information about pain management in this book, too.
At very least, I have to revisit what I am doing for pain now since being taken off several of the meds I usually take. I need to be able to sleep more than three hours at a time, which isn’t happening, Sigh.
So today’s blog is a rant, I wish it was about art, but it is a rant instead. It is part of the game, I guess. Off for a day where I hope I can do more than expected and feel good about it. And deal with the feelings of frustration if I can’t. Cheers.