I come from a long line of chronic worriers. I am only now realizing at this point in my life it might be a true anxiety disorder of some type (but I am too tired of doctors and medications to investigate that route.) For as long as I can remember I've always been really hard on myself to never make the wrong decision (even though I have made plenty, in retrospect!) Part of this comes from being a child who had a difficult home life due to parental alcoholism. The inconsistent patterns of support and danger did not bode well for my overall sense of security. My worries and fears over doing the "right" thing, whether I am gauging "right" by my own standards or by that of society, have always been huge, as has the guilt when I've fallen short of my ambition. Intellectually I know it is a waste of time to feel guilty, too responsible, or too perfectionistic. That doesn't always help, though! We can rationally think anything we want -- but feelings can be a whole other ballgame.
Negative consequences are easier to handle in some ways when one's own actions are not the cause. It is easier to accept failure when it is not the direct fault of oneself. Being vigilant in trying to avoid the pitfalls of life is natural. I tend to analyze life in my Virgoan way, though, finding ways of hanging responsibility for everything, even the weather, on my personal coatrack. Doing this takes a lot of work and energy! Over the years as I've accumulated more mistakes and survived them I do this less and less, but every now and then I catch myself taking responsibility for negative stuff that just isn't mine. I have fears -- basic physical and economic survival among them -- that are very real. It is important to step back though and realize that they are just fears, and as life has shown me, good things happen too, and in greater proportions. What if I put the fears and worries in the trunk of the car and let the hope for the good things in life sit in the front seat for a while?
This is a often mentioned mindset by the positive thinking gurus like Wayne Dyer and so many others I've read. Again, reading them and thinking intellectually doesn't always mean internal mental change. My student teacher said that Mass Art has an expression: "MassArt Makes You Fearless." I love that as I think it is very true. Art is one place where I do not fear my decisions -- and it has been a resource for individual survival for my life. If this acceptance of the risk and failure is so easy in art, maybe I need to apply this attitude more liberally to other areas of my life. Who knows what might happen?
What will you make today?