Yesterday I worked on a canvas collage and something odd happened. I want to do a series of skull images just for fun (irony not lost on me.) I sketched out a skull image, and found myself collecting bone colored paper rather than the whimsical palette I'd envisioned. The sketch itself was "off," but I plowed ahead and kept following the trail to see what happened. Right now I don't like the results, but that is okay. For some reason I had to make it, and every piece doesn't have to work out. Art is like that. False starts are fine as long as we don't feel the need to over commit to them out of loyalty to a bad idea, or guilt over lost time or materials.
It has taken me a long time and lots of failed art work to get to this place. Wasting precious time and even more precious fabric is sad. It used to really bother me. Sometimes though, the creative genie has left the building and it is hard to rustle up the right mojo to get good work going. At school I feel bad for my kidlets as they are expected to turn their creative brains "on" and "off" on command like a Pavlov dog in the 48 minutes that I see them. While good training for a puppy or a mature artist who is cognitively trying to develop a new approach to their art process, it doesn't necessarily address the natural way ideas and art comes and goes in an artist's mind. I try to be mindful of this in the classroom and let kids find their good place with a project. Sometimes it takes a different route than I expect to get them there. Happens to me too.
Last night I didn't sleep much so anticipate a butt dragging tiredness today. I am still paying physically for a much needed cleaning marathon on Sunday. Arms and hands were throbbing last night, waking me up several times. I have tingling and weakness in my leg, arm and hand muscles, too, which is new. Overuse, but also a sign that I have some atrophy going on. If you don't use it you lose it, and with RA you can't always use it because of pain and mobility issues. I am so grateful that I am able to do a little more this summer, though, and will gladly take the payback. Looking back a few years scares me. The disease was so unmanaged that it wreaked havoc in my life in ways I couldn't even see until later. This is a condition that effects body and mind, and is insidious in how it causes decline. I have to work hard daily, and pray the meds continue to work, to ensure a decent quality of life. I think the biggest factor in the change is having a medication that works (at least somewhat.) Rituxan seems to be effective, at least for now. I don't want to think about what will happen when my body finds a way around this one. Hopefully there will be a new medication or treatment available then.
A couple weeks ago I bought a 10 pack of small stretched canvases, and I feel good to play all summer. PLAY! See what happens! Get stuck. Work through it. Experiment. Branch out. Feel good and enjoy the time I have to be making things, as I never know when it all will stop. It feels like musical chairs, really! And there is time for less than perfect art.
What will you make today?