It was also one of those nights when the normal stresses of day to day living compounded themselves and stared back at me with a state of disbelief when I was awake, when my harsh inner critic assessed my life and all the mistakes I've made along the way. I think we all do the best we can with this thing called life, and some are luckier, or even better at it than others, but in the dark quiet of a sleepless, dream-filled night, strange things can happen. The proportion is altered, and the shadows are larger. It felt like an eternity. Of course, the final time I fell asleep I was awoken at 5:15 by my chipper alarm clock, and by then I was really sleeping.
This is sure to be a Monday if ever there was one!
I criticized myself for always trying to do more, be more, and live, sometimes without safe, predictable decisions throughout my life. How have I ended up where I am now? Why did I go for a life about art rather than a job that I could keep in a box and put down at the end of the day? Why do I have parrots? Why couldn't I have made better financial decisions in the past? Why is Toby still here? (Kidding on that one.) Seems I was always a step out of time with my peers in terms of The Big Picture of Life, and have had this inner will to try different things and branch out creatively to live life to the fullest. I was drawn to edgy music in my teens that often espoused this way of living, and have never let it go.
In the waking light I can see that it really is a no-brainer, that art kind of chose me, and to have such a passion is a gift. The day to day stuff works itself out, with a wing and a prayer most of the time, but so far it's been okay. I am lucky to have found a home for my creative self in teaching others to find theirs, and in actually creating things, too. It is far from perfect, and I do carry misgivings over bad decisions I've made in the past. But it is the past, and at least I can say I've taken chances and tried to live life without fear and to the fullest. Every day. Things and people change, every day, myself included.
Sadly today I saw the news that a massive creative light has left the planet. Aptly called the "Picasso of Pop," David Bowie is the master. One of the first to live in this blurry world of self-expression and art. Bowie stood for change with constant integrity. Often bizarre, always influential, a name that everyone knew and could relate to. So many years, so many songs, and so many paintings, too. He has touched millions of lives around the world, including my own. What if he had stuck with a day job and never took a chance? Would we have Major Tom, Ziggy, and even the fluffy China Girl? I think not. Would the thousands of musicians he inspired have carried on to make their music? What would the world be like? Bowie was the kind of identity that said "Go ahead. Be creative. Find it. Share it." that in some ways brought on the New Wave movement of the 80's. And beyond. To live with artistic integrity, to keep challenging the norm, and to live authentically. Even though it isn't easy. Even though it doesn't make sense sometimes.
RIP, David Bowie, and thank you for the inspiration. Now, Let's Dance!