Hampton is a carnival of people watching during most of the day and night, but the morning is peaceful and beautiful. Even as a little girl I loved getting up early and walking in the hazy, cool sunshine, watching the pinks and golds turn into stunning, clear blue. To watch the twinkling water turn from a pastel turquoise into deep cobalt. To actually feel a chill on a day destined for really high temps. To have little other purpose than just be there is so strange to me. I always am doing. And thinking. And making. And to be honest, worrying sometimes about all I am not doing, thinking, or making. I brought my little paints and sketchbook, but honestly was bereft of salient thoughts and just sat like a seagull on the sand. There were a few adult birds and lots of adorable little juveniles. As the sun came up, they moved further down the beach, as a group. I had the beach to myself save a couple people, good distances away. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
As much as I loved to have a mental time out from my routine, I missed my own birds...a lot...I frequently hoped they’d not be asking for breakfast to an empty house. Wondering where I was and if I’d be back. The dogs were happy to see me when I got home, but after going out and having their breakfast, they waddled back to their sleeping places and I think they were just fine without me. The cats, too. But the birds are different. The hotel that I stayed at was really small, dark, and rather ick, but the lady in the office said they weren’t against having a bird come with me next time, should I escape again. I wonder what Kizzy could sleep in or on and not eat furniture while I slept? I could put a perch in the shower stall? Hmmm.
It would be so awesome to have his company because despite having lots of very good friends that I love to bits, I do have a core part of me that gets The Lonelies from time to time. Having Kizzy around distracts me from those thoughts and feelings. I wonder how I’ve gotten to be (almost) 49 and still am unmarried or not in a committed, loving relationship with a partner. While it could be the animals at this point, (I mean I get that I have a large family lol), or it could be the constant and unpredictable annoyance of RA, including the side effects, with weight being one of them, or just what sometimes feels like my sandpaper personality. I’d like to think, though, that all is not lost in the personal worth department. But life tends to tell me otherwise, sometimes.I have seen and know heavier, meaner, sadder, sicker, and more contrite people than myself who have found a person to love them. I have friends in the same boat and we talk about this mystery, which does help a bit, but there still is a lingering question of why being alone seems to be the way it is and will be, when the alternative would be nice. Life on your own is hard. It gets tiring. I think of the Smiths, with Morrissey sneering the line “You just haven’t earned it yet, baby…” That song came out ages ago and it is still particularly relevant in my own life. Otherwise, though, I am grateful for what I have in my life, am independent, and reasonably happy, and life goes on. Sitting on the beach this morning with the gulls was really peaceful and beautiful, but doing things like that are also emotionally bittersweet. When that sense of wishing I wasn’t alone arrives, as infrequent as it is, I feel guilty for not appreciating what I DO have enough to even let these questions show up. The minefield of the thinking mind...sigh.
One thing for sure, though, is it was perfectly fine to be there without Toby. Just thinking of what he would have done to that pristine and clean beach makes me shudder. If only he had a private beach to live on for his remaining days!
On to art again later today. I started painting the first print yesterday, and that needs to continue. The only art link I can post is my beloved Hampton BeachCam for continual viewing pleasure. Thankfully, the trend I observed for women to unbutton and unzip the top part of the short-shorts, revealing bellies, is not visible from this distance. I don’t understand that trend At All. Ew, actually. Cheers!