Today I hope to find out what is really going on inside my spine. I was told "Get the to a spine surgeon" right away a couple days ago, and luckily have found an appointment for today. Worst case scenario is surgery. Best case scenario is back shots to stabilize and procrastinate on mechanical repair. I vote for the latter! Am hoping that the consistent pain I've had in my legs for the last several years can be stopped or lessened once the evil back is dealt with, allowing me to get off the prednisone and lose some serious weight. I hate being heavy. I don't think anyone likes to carry extra weight, but having earned it through medical means I am exceptionally frustrated by it. I just can't be one of those "fat and happy" peeps that love their fat. I never expect to be skinny, and have realistic expectations, but know that extra weight puts more stress on the bones and joints, and overall health. Boo on that. It is my mental struggle to accept where I am physically, every day.
Everyone has something, this is my pet issue. Live and learn, learn and grow. Daily. As a kid and as an adult my weight was always commented on and noticed, especially by one member of my family. Even when I was not heavy, but thought I was. I was greeted at the door of this family member's house once with "Hi! You don't look as fat as you usually do," and was given a maternity bathing suit after she had worn it when very pregnant, as she thought it was appropriate. One day when my mother was particularly ticked at my sulky teenage behavior she yelled "No more of this fat and happy shit. You are going to clean up your act and lose weight." As if happiness and feeling good about yourself was based on weight. To have any extra weight was a shameful act. All this did was have me take caffeine pills and stop eating. I was fifteen and had started to develop very, very, very large breasts. They just kept on growing. I think my butt compensated for counterbalance. The boobs still kept growing. Eventually when I was 17 my lower back cried "mutiny!" and I was bedridden for several weeks. This was the time Aztec Camera (Roddy Frame) came to Boston and I missed them. Believe me, if I could have been on my feet I would have been! It is a huge regret in life not to have seen that concert. Still.
So, before getting off my dad's medical insurance, I had breast reduction surgery (considered medically necessary due to back issues.) I still carried around the phantom sense of being Shelley Winters, though, despite being literally flat chested for about a year. The funniest memory of the time was getting together to play music with some band mates a few weeks after surgery, and having them ask "Did you get a haircut? There's something different about you." The shadow of being a huge person has followed me forever, and even though it's been a distortion for most of that time, at this point in my life it feels literal. It isn't devastating to my self-esteem as I am confident and like my life and who I am -- it is just like an itchy mosquito bite that keeps flaring up, asking to be noticed.
I am sure I am not alone in this -- everyone has insecurities of some sort, but weight is such a stigma in this country and time. The stereotype of being fat exists -- the unspoken (or spoken) connotations that a fat person has little self control, is a slob, is lazy, dumpy, etc. Television shows shame fat people to make them change. I am happy for the plus size women that "own" their sizes and are outwardly proud about it -- but I personally don't find it attractive so have a hard time believing anyone else does, either. When that mosquito bite gets itchy, I think about the issue, and even that bothers me. Why devote energy to feeling badly about something that I sincerely know I am doing the best I can to control? I have many friends that do the same thing. Maybe it is just a woman's issue. But then again, the amazing songwriter Chris Difford wrote this song that always makes me laugh. It's called "Fat As A Fiddle. Like most things, humor is helpful!
Off for a day that hopefully includes working on my flower sculptures to finish up the skull piece. What will you make today?
I'm never thin I'm never svelte I always wore the bigger belt I never thought I needed help choosing what to eat each moutful a real treat but when I look and see there's a greater part of me
I see the men who work at the gym they have a ripple with every limb they never have this excess skin to cover up their age we're on a different page I look like a tree there's a greater part of me
It's so hard to put on my socks each morning when I wake I see myself when I was thin and the hearts I used to break
Now I have tits just like my mum I'm out breath before I run I like to eat because it's fun but it comes at such a price. I'm on the old brown rice and the herbal tea for the greater part of me
I always played the boy in goal cross country runs became a stroll I was the doughnut and the hole but inside I felt great I always licked my plate my face full of beans there's a greater part of me
It's so hard to put on my socks each morning when I wake I see myself when I was thin and the hearts I used to break and it's so hard to pull in the street but it never seems too late, it's so hard
Read more: Chris Difford - Fat As A Fiddle Lyrics | MetroLyrics