Little did I know what would change over the upcoming months, starting literally days after this photo was taken. My ex-husband would tell me that he thought he was married to an 80 year old woman. He would start a relationship with someone else, even as I struggled to get the RA under control and care for an aging parent and work full time. I went from being a vital, energetic person to...well...not being that person anymore. In retrospect, it was a surreal time.
In some ways I am very grateful for the experiences as they've helped me develop a wisdom about life that I would not have necessarily found otherwise. As part of recognizing this special, non-negotiable significant other in my life, here's a rundown of what I've learned:
1) And this too will pass. Patience. When the body doesn't work when you need it to, there is not a whole lot that can be done except wait for it to catch up. Waiting doesn't mean giving up, it just means being patient and accepting of current circumstances.
2) Pain is just...well...pain. And it sucks. But again, it is what it is and isn't the end of the world. I remember my dad telling me that eventually you get used to it, and I couldn't imagine how. Dad, I *think* I'm starting to get it now.
3) Appreciation for Every Little Thing in life. There is plenty in life to be happy and excited about if we live with open eyes. Days when pain isn't as bad as others is a Good Thing. Time spent laughing with friends, nice weather, and a purring cat can make a day great. It's out there.
4) The importance of having an inquisitive and creative mind. The mind is so much more important than the body. Learning, creating, and thinking are essential to keeping healthy.
5) Feelings are just feelings. They come and go and are influenced by external and internal forces, including chronic pain. I've learned to go with the flow and try not to take my feelings too seriously. Happiness is a choice.
6) I'm okay alone. This is a big one. Having a physically limiting problem can be very isolating. When you don't feel well, the last thing you want to do is share the misery with others or make them feel bad. Loss on many fronts is part of this disease. Despite having many great friends, I spend a lot of time alone due to my solitary interests and also my need for more down time than the average bear. And that is fine. I am never bored.
7) It's not going to win. Despite the challenges, I am not going to ever "fall victim" to this menace and accept my life as a futile experience. There is no other option than to summon my stubborn Irish nature and stay positive. No matter what. No learned helplessness here.
8) Keep active goals. I have so many more things I hope to do. My non-RA self would have already done them, but then there would just be more on the list. I have high expectations for myself and plan to keep it that way.
9) Accept the imperfect. Prior to meeting Arthur, I was a perfectionist, especially about myself and what my life "should" be like. Today I am still a tough self-critic, but have become more accepting of the consistent state of imperfection that we all live within. This might just be just age, or it might be because of being forced to live at a slower rate of progress now and always having unfinished business as part of my life.
10) Hope is important. It is easy to get negative and think the way things are at the worst times is the ultimate truth. But it isn't. That is fear talking. While things can and do go wrong, things can go right, too, and having hope that they will is essential. Research is happening that may bring on a wonder drug, and while unlikely at this point for me, remission could happen. Can't give up hope!
If you'd asked me thirteen years ago if anything good would have come out of this aspect of my life, I'd surely said no. Interesting to reflect here and see that isn't the case. Off to make art today, working on some embellished sculptural pieces, going in a new creative direction. What will you make today?