Am feeling the need to start tossing fifty percent of what I have in my house. It happens every spring, but after making a dent in one place, I usually lose steam. Last night I spent an hour organizing my embroidery threads after sharing my stash with my 7th grade art class that was in need. Now instead of big ziploc bags with tangled messes, I have trading card sleeves stuffed with sorted colors. Not as pretty, but more functional. It is funny to see the colors I have a lot of -- pinks and greens -- and the ones I do not have -- yellows and purples. My thread carrier is overstuffed and barely zips shut. Overstuffed, like every room in my house! I feel like every area of my living space is over stuffed and in need of purging.
It seems hard to believe, but I am still feeling the "hangover" from the Incredible Three Year Flare that kept me off my feet most of the time. Looking back, the pain and level of disability was so bad I am amazed to have gotten through it without more disruption in my life. It was bad enough that all I could do was work -- and then came home and just about rolled into a ball and died until it was work time again. I was not taking pain medication and was almost completely debilitated. All I could do was sit or lay still and wait for the worst moments to pass. They didn't. Brutal times. I feel lucky to have not had to give up my job, too.
While I am still in pain every day, it is made much more manageable by the combination of the newest chemo drug Rituxan and a steady stream of pain medication. I feel like a butterball turkey when the medication is due -- I start feeling extremely tired, then very sore all over -- and I realize the pain level has creeped up to baseline and my "pop up" thermometer has sprung. Constant pain takes energy to combat -- and if pain levels are knocked down a bit, I have more energy for other things. Like living.
When trapped in a body with severe pain in multiple locations, simple tasks that others take for granted become daunting ones. Carrying groceries or laundry is energy sapping. Standing in the kitchen cooking and preparing food is difficult. Cleaning floors takes hours to do, and hours to recover from. When I hear government officials and others discuss "cracking down" on the use of pain medications, I am disgusted. I would like to take each and every one of those who feel the medication should not be available and trap them in a body like I experienced when in the last extended flare up wouldn't quilt. Let them see and feel the frustration of chronic sickness without the aid pain medication can provide. Let them have their joints dislocate slowly before their eyes and feel every bit of it. Saying it is unpleasant and difficult is an understatement.
So, today's post is not meant to solicit pity or comments of understanding, it just is a reflection of the reality that many people unfortunately live with daily. When I look around my home and see a million things that need doing, and start to beat myself up for not having done them all, I have to step back and realize I am lucky to be working, and living a bit more than I used to, and find peace in that. My head is filled with unlimited art ideas as well, which also get put on the back burner in favor of addressing chronic illness. Here's to hoping for good and better days ahead this spring!
What will you make today?