The best gift this drug regimen has given me is that I feel well enough to do my own artwork again! I can not stress how good it feels to be "back in the game." Over the past many years I have not had consistently decent energy supplies to develop an idea and stick with it. I'd start a larger piece, but the idea would lose steam as I had to leave it alone for stretches of unhealthy time. Now, however, I am on a roll again and feel creatively excited. I am working on a heavily embellished piece right now, and can see a series of small spin-off pieces that are begging to be made, too. Looking towards entering art exhibits and possible publications again. Lining up quilt talks and workshops again. Very satisfying!
The beads are finally singing, which is good, as even though I hadn't been working as much as I wanted, I had been bead shopping. I have a backlog of gorgeous, preciously hoarded baubles ready to go in new creations. I've learned that when I see a bead that asks to come home with me, to say "yes" as it may not be available again. While I do feel a bit gluttonous about having so many beads in my possession, I also feel that they are just things that pass through me as I create art objects. I don't hoard for hoarding sake, I see them like paint that helps me get my art "out" of my head and into physical form. Having a variety on hand gives me expressive possibilities that I need for my artwork. I will not feel guilty for being a bead-piggie.
I do feel guilty, though, when I do not feel physically well or mentally energetic enough to use them. It is an irrational guilt - like I "should" be able to put physical and mental constraints aside to do what I have been trained and put here to do (teach and make artwork!) "Should" is usually a dangerous word in a lot of contexts, especially here. When I feel the need to rest, and that is often unpredictable, everything in my immediate world has to stop and wait. Often it doesn't make logical sense in terms of how much sleep I'd had the night before, levels of activity and pain, etc. I've dealt with a lot of difficulties in my life and feel like I am a strong person. Not being strong enough to "control" what goes on in my own body seems unnatural.
Part of having a chronic disease like RA is learning how to relinquish control in order to mentally survive. The frustration of having to hit the brakes so frequently brings with it depression and a sense of futility that is hard to understand unless you are the one stuck in a body that routinely loses it's power supply and mental roadmap. To realize that the physical makes demands that the mental must follow is part of dealing with RA daily. My "shoulds" have changed -- I "should" rest when I have to. I "should" sleep when I have to. I "should" bead when I have to!!
What will you make today?